Life Lessons; How Vulnerability is Key
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This started as a bunch of personal notes, but turned into a story.
Some of this stuff is a bit “out there,” believe me, I know. But reading through to the end will explain some valuable points. Turns out a lot of this jives with the current consensus in psychology — though I was never able to understand what most of it truly meant. Thanks for reading with an open mind.
Vulnerability
When vulnerable, these things happen
- People tell me far more than I’d ever imagine
- I don’t get angry at others, regardless what happens
When something goes wrong, these are my steps. Ask:
- How does this make me feel?
- Why?
- How does that feel in my body? What autonomic responses are happening?
- What do I want out of this interaction?
- Just tell the other person — all of the above
That last bullet point (vulnerability) takes extreme courage, but when done, the feeling is amazing. Nervousness immediately goes away — it’s almost as if lack of honesty or expressing your truth, actually harms your body / emotional state. (It does)
- Your body actively tries to prevent you from being vulnerable
- Supporting others does not take energy away, it removes tensions you had, and gives more energy [there are many caveats here, but I’m not going to explain it to death]
Interacting with others
- When someone is rude, angry, or disrespectful, try to figure out why they are behaving that way
- What emotions are firing for them, and why
- What do they really want reassurance about?
- Use that to diffuse, and progress
Feeling let down or rejected
It’s not about me. The other person is asking for space to heal themselves. Giving that, is a great gift.
Put yourself in other’s shoes really means
- Imagine when you’ve acted that way
- Remember what emotions drove that
- Remember how uncomfortable it felt
Women
- If you generally treat other humans poorly, you will likely treat women even worse
- They are good at being vulnerable, so they are easier to victimize emotionally without as much worry about backlash
Supporting others
- Telling how to fix something isn’t support
- More often than not, your best response is to share about a time you felt the same way — this is how to connect and support
Judgement of others
- This entire post should demonstrate how it makes no sense to judge others. The following are called empathy:
- Remember when you have behaved the same way, or might
- At the very least, imagine how the other person feels — what are they covering up emotionally?
Shame
When you’ve felt bad about the way you behaved (even when drunk, or not), you’re actually reacting to the knowledge that you didn’t behave consistent with your values. You probably want to help others, but don’t know how to be vulnerable.
Love
This is what the hippies talk about when they mean love. Simply knowing that everyone is the same. There is no good and bad — only a person’s awareness and openness around their feelings. And if you show vulnerability, others will start to as well. They should stop using the word love — it’s not what they mean. We are all connected not because of some mystical thing, but because we can all understand each other’s emotions. How we behave affects others, and that connects us.
Patience
If you feel impatient, that means you’re not drawing satisfying energy from what you’re doing. Think about why. Would supporting someone else (by being patient) make you feel better — less uneasy, and more …patient? Try it out.
Breathing
Another way to alleviate the physical uneasiness when you may not have yet figured out what was bothering you, is by breathing deeply. Simply focusing on the uncomfortable area and breathing using whatever technique you prefer (there are myriad breathing techniques).
Addiction
TV, caffeine, alcohol, and most other drugs are simply avoidance — a way to alleviate the physical symptoms of not living your truth. (Then you’re also curing the withdrawal symptoms. Especially with alcohol; the uneasiness can last for 3–5 days, yuck.)
Psychedelics
Why do psychedelics teach us these things? One reason: they soften our defense mechanisms so we can see. Phrases you’ve heard your whole life take on entirely new meanings.
Especially ketamine, as it starts in the “k-hole experience” where you feel you become nothing, and then slowly become human again. You feel (and visualize!) consciousness emergence and evolution, and know how we are all connected, so you start caring more — specifically start to wonder how you can be better. The way ketamine does it is very sedating, so there’s no chance of freaking out and having a bad trip (possibly adding more trauma) if you’re unprepared, like sometimes happens with classic psychedelics. “Letting go” as they say, as a way to deal with uncomfortableness on mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca, actually means allowing yourself to feel without shame or judgement.
Not coincidentally, the other chemicals I mentioned have the opposite effect. Alcohol specifically allows you to *not* feel. I absolutely did not believe this previously, but it’s so clear to me now.
Judgement of self
Another hard concept to understand, is self love. For me, it is the same as the points made under “judgement of others” (remember, we are all connected). There are reasons for doing things you’re ashamed of, and your body manifested physical reactions and caused it to happen. It’s not your fault.
Anxiety and Depression
I’m going out on a limb to say these disorders are also physical manifestations of what I’ve talked about here. But I’ve not personally suffered with severe levels of either (but definitely some level), so I’m not qualified to make that assessment. That said, this could be why psychedelics have such an amazing success rate at curing treatment-resistent depression and anxiety.
I hope this helps someone.
I know it’s taken me at least 100 times of hearing similar concepts before I even began to slightly internalize them. It’s one thing to say “yeah that makes sense, it’s probably true,” but another thing entirely to feel they are true, integrate them to your being, and make change. The funny thing is, it’s a lot easier to do than it sounds, with the right context, understanding, and people to guide you¹.
One final bit of vulnerability: I’d like to share my “TODO Daily” note, as of the time of this writing:
- Compliment others on Facebook
- Find ways to help others
- Breathe
- Find a way to be vulnerable
Observe how relaxed you feel after doing so
A lot of people would have “gratitude” in that list. This hasn’t resonated with me personally — but perhaps gratitude is just a way to express vulnerability?
[1] I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude to everything that has happened in my life, but two people primarily. My wife Michelle, and my business partner / best friend / guide, Nick.
